


Letters to Kaidan

by BardofHeartDive



Series: A Good Ride [4]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Colonist (Mass Effect), F/M, Headcanon, Letter fic, Mass Effect 2 spoilers, Mild Language, Paragon Commander Shepard, War Hero (Mass Effect)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-16
Updated: 2015-05-11
Packaged: 2018-03-23 04:33:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 18
Words: 8,776
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3754711
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BardofHeartDive/pseuds/BardofHeartDive
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A collection of letters Shepard wrote to Kaidan during the events of Mass Effect 2.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Back to Life

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first time I've posted any of my fanfiction. I hope you enjoy it. Feedback, especially (constructive) criticism, is GREATLY appreciated. Thank you for reading!
> 
> ***Edit 5/8/15: As of now the plan is a total of 16-18 chapters and an optional Epilogue. I hope to have it done by the end of month***

Dear Kaidan,

I don’t know where to begin to tell you everything that’s happened in the last 24 hours. I’m not even sure I want to. I tell you I’m alive, you ask me how, I tell you Cerberus brought me back. Then, because I won’t lie to you, I have to add that I’m also working with them. I imagine you’ll take that about as well as I did.

They're trying really hard to convince me they're not the evil, terrorist organization they're made out to be. They keep reminding me that they spent billions of credits to bring me back while the Alliance declared me killed in action and moved on. (That argument would probably carry more weight if I hadn't actually been killed in action.) They're responding to the Reaper threat, while the Council is trying to classify or discredit everything I said about them. The list goes on: They built me another Normandy, got Joker and Chakwas to join the crew, gave me complete control of the mission. Miranda, my handler I guess you could say, assures me that the Cerberus cells we encountered before were part of a different division and had completely different protocols than this one. Cerberus is really out for the greater good. The Illusive Man has only humanity's best interest at heart. They're not villains, they're just misunderstood. All that other stuff the bad guys say to make you believe they're not bad guys. Even the mess sergeant can't help extolling their virtues.

But I remember what Cerberus did to Kahoku and his men. I remember Toombs’ accusations against them. I remember their experiments with the rachni, husks, and Thorian creepers. I remember.

I don't trust them as far as I can throw them but there is one thing that I do believe. People in the Terminus Systems are in danger. We went in to investigate Freedom's Progress, a human colony that just disappeared. Everyone in the settlement was gone. Mindoir and Eden Prime were bad - the noise, the destruction, the bodies everywhere - but this was damn eerie. Everything was in place. It could have been any day on any frontier world except no one was there.

This is something I would have looked into before, as a Spectre, hell, as an Alliance marine. Can I justify doing nothing because I don't trust Cerberus?

No more than I can justify working with them because innocent lives are at stake.

I wish you were here to help me question whether or not we're the pride of the fleet. Valued agents or peons.

Anyway.

I realize it's odd to be actually writing to you. When I was six my mom decided to teach me formal penmanship and I thought she was wasting her time. I guess I'm putting it to use now, though, aren't I? I have no doubt that the whole ship is bugged, my messages are screened, and my extranet use is monitored. For all I know, they have someone search my room whenever I leave the ship. You'll probably never read these letters and, if you do, I will almost certainly be dead (again). But this is the closest I can get to having you here.

I need that.

~ A.J. Shepard


	2. Omega

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I struggled with this chapter, specifically the parts about Ashley. Any feedback or suggestions on those sections would be greatly appreciated.

Dear Kaidan,

I found Garrus.

He was going by Archangel and running a vigilante group defending civilians against the gangs on Omega. It’s so good to have someone who I know is actually with me. There’s a bit of selfishness there - I am after all leading yet another mission we will probably not survive - but all the gratitude drowns out the guilt. Now I have someone who I know will watch my back.

Garrus, Jacob, and I went out exploring Omega last night. We checked out the markets then hit Afterlife, Omega’s main attraction. It was a good time except for the part where the bartender poisoned me. Then I confronted him about it and a turian (not Garrus) shot him. Personally, I thought that was a little extreme but there’s no real law enforcement here so it would have been almost impossible to turn him in. Either him. On the bright side, to make up for it I now get free drinks at Afterlife. I might swing by again if I find I need to get off the ship but it’s really not my kind of place.

Actually, Omega’s not really my kind of place. I’ll be happy to be done with it.

To be honest, my favorite part of the night was listening to the news. I got more than a few stares, standing there like an idiot in the middle of the markets. But if it’s not eccentric behavior it’s returning from the dead, so I suppose I’ll just have to get used to it. It was strange to hear how all these things I set in motion are unfolding. Burns awarding those reparations to the L2s. Zhu’s Hope expanding. Toombs and Dr. Wayne getting an investigation into Akuze started. I know it’ll all be moot if the Collectors harvest of all humanity or the Reapers destroy all organic life in the galaxy but I think that’s why it’s important. As long as it matters there’s still hope. When it doesn’t, it means we’ve given up. And it’s nice hear to some good news.

I also heard that Ash was awarded a salarian Silver Dagger and a turian Nova Cluster. Not exactly good news but . . . encouraging. Motivating. She told me once she wouldn’t let the Williams name go down with Arnold and Quisling. I’d say first human to receive either medal, let alone both, washes away any stain from Shanxi ten times over. Of course, I’d rather have her alive and on my team but maybe that’s just more selfishness.

I wonder what she’d have to say about this mess.

It’s her pragmatism that I miss most, I think. She was so good at breaking things down to basic. (Probably part of her affinity for breaking things in general.) You and I, we have the introspection covered but Ash? She could cut through all that like it didn’t even matter. It can be a helpful trait, especially when you get all tangled up like I tend to.

You know what she’d do?  She’d tell me clean my gun. God, do you remember how she cleaned those guns? Everyone’s guns. She’d give me all these reasons why it wasn’t safe to give “the aliens” free run of the ship while she took their guns apart and cleaned them. Jacob, our current Armory Officer, is good but he has nothing on Ashley.

So, I guess, I’m going to go clean my gun.

~ A.J. Shepard


	3. The Citadel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Two letters for the price of one, both about visiting the Citadel.

Dear Kaidan,

Did you know that I’ve never been on the Citadel without you?

So now, while I’m supposed to be figuring out a way to justify my work with Cerberus to Anderson and the rest of the Council, I’m spending my time thinking about how strange it is to be here without you. I remember when we were here before, thinking how nice it would be to spend a day on the Presidium with you, wearing something besides combat gear. And I thought: after we catch Saren. After we deal with the geth. After this, after that. After, after, after.

Well, now it’s after all those things and I may well have missed my chance.

I really should go, though. Like I said, I’m meeting with the Council later today and I do need to come up with something to tell them. I just want you to know, I wish we’d gone to one of those restaurants together.

~A.J. Shepard

Dear Kaidan,

Sometimes I wonder why I bother to try.

I had that meeting with the Council. It’s always the same damn thing. The Reapers are a myth. The ship that attacked the Citadel was just a geth dreadnought. Saren was just using the idea of "these so called Reapers” to manipulate me. Nevermind that I was right about Saren. Nevermind that I took back the Citadel. Nevermind that I saved the very Council that still refuses to listen to me. My track record should speak for itself and yet, the pattern continues!

Times like these, I wonder if maybe Cerberus is right. I mean, what the hell am I supposed to do? Sit around and do nothing? Wait months, years even, to get the right requests approved by the right people so I can send in a survey team? If nothing else it makes me understand why people, good people, like Jacob and Donnelly and Daniels, allied themselves with them.

We need support. But the Council would rather accuse me of treason for working with the only group trying to help the missing colonies than listen to me!

What’s the point?

Sorry.

They did reinstate me as a Spectre. Showing support for me as an individual, since they can’t condone anything else about the situation. I’m to stay in the Terminus Systems, though, and try to keep a low profile. We’ll see how that goes. Anderson said he’d help however he could.

Oh, and Udina called me a bureaucratic nightmare. It’s ironic when you realize that he was one of the people who recommended me to be the first human Spectre. I guess he didn’t know what he was getting himself into. And that makes two of us.

It was good to see Anderson, though. After talking to him, I feel a little bad about recommending him for the Council position. Udina would probably enjoy the job more but that’s why it had to be Anderson. It doesn’t seem like a fair trade, though. He gave me Spectre status and the Normandy. I gave him bureaucracy and red tape. I wish I could have done better for him.

I did ask him about you but he wasn’t very forthcoming. I even thought about leaving a message for you but it didn’t seem right. This isn’t something you should hear from someone else. I hope you get to hear it from me.

~A.J. Shepard

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Canon Notes:  
> In ME1, if you speak to the Spectre requisitions officer before becoming a Spectre, he makes a comment about it being your first time on the Citadel. Since my Shepard took Kaidan with her EVERYWHERE it is canon that Amerine has never been on the Citadel without him.


	4. Horizon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another two-for, this one themed around Horizon.

Dear Kaidan,

I’m sorry about Horizon. I did everything wrong. I should have followed you. I should have made you stay. I should have told you all the things I’ve been telling you in these damn letters. But all I can say is: “It’s been too long.”

I’m an ass and I deserved everything you said and more.

Here’s what I should have said.

You’re right. I should have found a way to contact you. And I tried. I asked Anderson about a way to reach you but, like I said, he said you were on an assignment and couldn’t tell me anything else. All the Illusive Man would tell me was that your file was “surprisingly well classified.” I tried, Kaidan. I really did try.

You’re right about Cerberus too. If I thought I could get my hands on a ship and a crew in a reasonable amount of time, I’d leave them in a heart beat. But I’ve been thinking about this a lot -  I feel like all I do is think about this - and working with them gives our colonists the best chance. After we get this Collector thing sorted out, I walk away. Until then, I need to do what I need to do. Don’t worry, I have Garrus to watch my back and Dr. Chakwas to keep me honest.

And I shouldn’t have said what I said about Cerberus’s history effecting your judgement. It should give you pause. Again, I’ve just had too long to think about it.

I understand why you think I’m betraying the Alliance. But I don’t think it’s that simple. The Alliance should be defending these colonies. But they’re not and someone has to. So how can I be turning my back on the Alliance by doing what they ought to be?  Remember what you said when we stole the Normandy? “We broke our oath to defend the Alliance so we could keep it.” You have to understand, even if you don’t agree.

And I never turned my back on you. I never will.

I loved you too.

~ A.J. Shepard

 

Dear Kaidan,

I got your message. I’ve read it . . . I don’t know how many times.

God, I don’t even know what to say.

I’m sorry for everything you went through. I can’t imagine what it must have been like for you or what I would have done if our roles were reversed. You deserved to move on. You deserved to have a life without me. You deserve that now, if that’s what you want. But I need you to know, I never wanted to leave you like that. I never would have, if I’d had the choice.

Of course, I remember the night before Ilos. It was all I ever wanted. Even now, when I start to wonder what the point of all this is, I remember that night and I realize that I would give anything, do anything, for a chance to have that again. And maybe it is just a chance but it’s worth it.

You’re worth it.

~ A.J. Shepard


	5. Normandy SR-2

Dear Kaidan,

I hate to admit it but the SR-2 is starting to feel like home.

When they first gave it to me, even with Joker and Chakwas on board, I hated being here. The fact that it was so much like the original Normandy only made it worse. It was like going back to Mindoir after they rebuilt. I’d turn off town square and there would be new housing blocks where the fairgrounds used to be. The colony outgrew the high school so they tore up the mall to build an addition. I knew where everything was supposed be none of it was there.

It got better after I started recruiting. Garrus was a big help. They gave me this huge, elaborate captain’s quarters (no, really, it takes up an entire deck) but for a solid week after getting him aboard I spent more time in the main battery with him than my quarters. We talked for a while and I helped him with the gun some, but mostly I just listened to him work. It sounded like when he was working on the Mako. Listening to him was the first step to getting to comfortable.

It’s not just Garrus, though.

My other recruit on Omega was a salarian: Doctor/Professor Mordin Solus. I’ve heard that salarians are hyper but Mordin takes it to a whole new level. Kelly describes him as “hamster on coffee.”  I’d go with “hummingbird on medical-grade stimulants.”  He thinks out loud. When I need to not think I go sit in the lab and listen to him.

When I need someone obnoxiously positive, I go to Kelly, the Kelly I just mentioned. She’s officially here as my yeoman but it’s a cover. She’s actually a psychologist, here to observe the crew and make sure we don’t all fall apart. Since she was, self admittedly, “hand-picked by the Illusive Man,” I’d say the rules of doctor-patient confidentiality are out the window but sometimes it’s nice to have someone unfalteringly optimistic on the CIC. She’s actually a good listener and occasionally insightful. And when I get sick of it, I can always retreat to my fish-tanked (seriously, it has a fish tank), deck-sized cabin.

And now I have Tali. We picked her up on Haestrom yesterday. Is it strange that as soon as she started working on the engines the ship felt more like home? Almost like she could make the SR-2’s engine into the Normandy’s. If anyone could it would be her. She’s not big on my new . . . benefactor (Cerberus and the flotilla had a run in a while back) but she’s like Garrus, with me, and that makes me feel better. And she’ll lend me a grenade when I’m ready to put in my resignation. That almost gets me to feeling good.

The rest of my recruits are a tank-bred (don’t ask) krogan, a sociopathic biotic, and a mercenary. Even having them on the ship made me feel better. That one took me a while to figure out but I got it eventually. They let me know where I stand. The first thing the krogan - Grunt, we’re  calling him - did when I let him out of the tank was charge me, pin me against a wall, and threaten to kill me. Jack, the biotic, only came because I gave her access to classified Cerberus files. (Miranda had a heyday with that.) And Zaeed? He’s just following the credits. But they’re all up-front. No smoke. No mirrors. No deception. You let me know where I stand and I am comfortable standing there. So I’m comfortable with them.

I have two more possible recruits, an asari justicar and a drell assassin, and then we’ll see what we have. I’d like to move against the Collectors eventually. That is the point of all this you know. And in a way, I’m anxious to get it over with. Before I get too comfortable.

~ A.J. Shepard


	6. Miranda

Dear Kaidan,

It’s been an odd few weeks.

After Horizon, Miranda and Jacob both asked for my help. Jacob had been forwarded a distress call from a ship that disappeared years ago with his estranged father on board. He wanted to look into it if we had that time. Miranda, who’s been on the run from her father for years, apparently has a sister that she rescued from their father as well. She placed her with an adoptive family and has been keeping tabs on her since but their father found her and Miranda wanted to be there when they relocated the family. Really, I wasn’t interested in helping Miranda (this is the woman who wanted to put a control chip in my brain, mind you) but Jacob’s a good guy and it wasn’t too far out of the way. We got Tali first, of course, but then we headed to Aeia.

I’ll spare you the details of the mission. It’s not really that important. What’s important is that the distress call was anonymously passed specifically to Jacob by someone within Cerberus. I thought it was the Illusive Man but it wasn’t. It was Miranda. She was “keeping a promise.” The Miranda I know is about as warm as Noveria. I never would have guessed she’d care about promises unless she thought she had the better end of the deal. She was genuine with this, though. Jacob believed it and so did I.

After seeing that side of her, I agreed to help with her sister, if only for my own curiosity’s sake.

If I thought that was out of character, seeing her with her sister was like visiting an alternate universe. I never, in all my life (both my lives), thought that I could like Miranda. I didn’t think she had ever willingly sacrificed for anything. But she has. For her sister. It was the first time I looked at her and saw something besides the Illusive Man’s puppet. It turns out, there’s something like a human in that perfectly engineered body.

It’s the strangest thing.

~ A.J. Shepard


	7. Normandy Wreckage

Dear Kaidan,

Did you know a Mandira Rahman or a Robert Felawa from the Normandy? I found their tags on Alchera, in the wreckage. I thought I knew everyone but . . . I can’t match a face to their names. It’s been bothering me.

Do you remember after Feros, when we told the crew about the Thorian? We got back right before lunch. Ash had the whole crew in the mess waiting for us, demanding to hear about the “freaky plant thing” and then the Draven sisters, Talitha and Rosamund, started in with that crazy song, “Mean, Green Brother From Space,” or something like that. From 20th century Earth, I think, and a show tune of all things! It would have been hilarious if it hadn’t been so applicable (and therefore creepy).

Or when Bakari spent some exorbitant amount of credits to get those Adian melons for his mother. But he couldn’t ship them because . . . damn, it had something to do with their size or weight because they were edible organic material or some such nonsense. So Lowe put them in a bio-waste container and sent them to her that way. Because it’s okay to mail someone 5 kilos of biohazardous materials, “as long as it’s clearly labeled,” but not fruit.

The four of them are dead. Plus sixteen others, including Pressly.

We lost good people on that ship.

Walking through that wreckage, it made me think about what you said. About feeling like I owe Cerberus for bringing me back. I don’t. I really don’t.

See, as a soldier, you get used to the idea of dying for what you’re fighting for. Death is everywhere, looming. Any breath could be your last and what matters is making sure your death counts for something. You learn to accept that. I learned to accept that.

But being brought back with two years of your life gone?

Nothing prepares you for that.

I came back and everything was different. The Normandy was destroyed. The crew was scattered. You weren’t there. I’m not saying you should have been. What I’m trying to say is that for me, nothing had changed. I was still the person that I was two years ago but no one else was. Sure, I was dead for two years but you . . . you were alive.

That’s what makes this so hard.

Death in the line of duty was what I signed up for. I would have died to save Elysium. I would have died to stop Saren. I would have died for Joker, Ashley, Tali, Wrex, Liara, Garrus, for Anderson or any of my crew members. I would have died for the Alliance.

But I would have lived for you.

So, no, I don’t owe Cerberus anything.

~ A.J. Shepard

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song is "Mean, Green Mother From Outer Space" from Little Shop of Horrors.


	8. Liara

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It took me a while to get this done. A combination of school trying to kill me and writer's block. (The cure for the latter is flash fiction, I have discovered.) I hope to get the other chapters up more quickly.

Dear Kaidan,

I have a confession to make.

I ran into Liara on Illium, back when I was helping Miranda with her sister. I helped her with some work (hacking, actually, so I guess some of that stuff you tried to teach me stuck) and we talked for a while. She’s working as an information broker and doing well at it from all accounts. She’s also hunting the Shadow Broker.

She told me . . . she’s the one who gave me to Cerberus. My body, I mean.

Apparently the Shadow Broker had my body and was planning on selling it to the highest bidder, the Collectors at the time. Cerberus contacted her and said there was a chance they could bring me back if she could recover my body. So she did and she gave it to them.

I could have decked her.

I have never in my life been so furious with a person. (Not even that Westerlund News reporter.) I had always assumed that Cerberus just, I don’t know, tracked me down themselves. But Liara found me. There was a moment where I was safe. And then she handed me off to them. To the enemy. She saw what they did, all their experiments. How could she do that? I mean, get me out of the Shadow Broker’s hands, sure, but to then give me to Cerberus?

Does she honestly think I wouldn’t rather have stayed dead?

Maybe that’s not fair. I’ve saved colonists. I’m doing good work. But the first human Spectre is working with a xenophobic terrorist organization. I bet that gives the rest of the galaxy a great impression of us. Would I have rather stayed dead? I don’t know. I just don’t know.

I left after she told me. I couldn’t stand to even look at her. (Thank goodness we weren’t meeting Miranda’s contact until the next morning. My head would not have been in the game.) I fumed all the way back to the Normandy. I stormed up to my obscenely large cabin. I sat down to write you a seething letter about it and it occurred to me that what I was feeling about Liara was probably what you felt about me on Horizon.

So I didn’t write you a letter. I went back ground-side to the bar (alone) and flirted with this really nice guy all night. It only made me feel worse.

The next day, we took care of Miranda’s sister and left without saying good-bye. My last two recruits, a drell assassin and an asari justicar, were on Illium but I had to get off the planet. I ran to the Normandy wreckage. I spent three weeks scanning planets in the middle of nowhere. I did a test run with a prototype infantry vehicle, the Hammerhead. (It hovers.)

I’m back on Illium now. The plan is we go get those two, then head for the Krogan DMZ, to handle some stuff for Mordin. I’ll talk to Liara eventually - I have some information that might be helpful in her hunt - just not yet. I haven’t forgiven her yet. But, if not this trip, the next, or the one after that.

~ A.J. Shepard

P. S.

Nothing happened. With the guy, I mean.


	9. A Series of Contradictions

Dear Kaidan,

I seem to end up with interesting crews, don't I?

Consider the original Normandy. A turian working with the granddaughter of the general who surrendered Shanxi. A krogan mercenary taking a job without pay (and with said turian, no less). A quarian. A fully functioning L2 biotic. A civilian asari archeologist. It doesn't sound like the kind of team you'd send out to save the galaxy.

Hell, it sounds like the start of a bad, overly-long, joke.

This time around, things are still strange but in all sorts of new and exciting ways. For example, I'm working with Cerberus, but more than half my ground team is not human. I have the same number of aliens this time around as I had in the entire group before. My guess is that it's another ploy to prove that calling Cerberus "xenophobic" is a gross exaggeration but it's an interesting contradiction.

That's the perfect word for this whole situation. "Contradiction."

I have a krogan on board who thinks there's something wrong with him because he's experiencing uncontrollable fury. The turian of the group is the first to throw aside regulation. The doctor I found working in a quarantine zone to cure a plague also modified the genophage to prevent the krogan from evolving past it. My justicar kills in cold-blood for her code while my assassin prays for forgiveness for his wickedness.

And then there's me.

I suspect that if I die on this ship that my name will not be remembered favorably, if at all. Khalisah will get ahold of me and I will go down as both an alien appeaser and human supremacist and no one will question how I could be both. But I hope at least a few people take the time to think of me as a series of contradictions too.

~ A.J. Shepard


	10. The Collector Ship

Dear Kaidan,

Well, it happened. I've been waiting for it since I found out my resurrection was orchestrated by Cerberus and it finally happened. It only took six months or so.

The Illusive Man walked me into a trap.

I'll start at the beginning.

After I finished my last letter, I had a briefing with him. He told me that he intercepted a message from a turian ship. It had disabled a Collector ship and left it drifting. The ship was without power but there would likely still be data and working technology aboard. Obviously, we had to go check it out.

It was like being in a hive. The biggest, creepiest, insect hive in the galaxy. Parts of it looked natural, like caves or subterranean tunnels, and then there would be a console or exhaust pipes jutting out of the wall.

And the pods.

Did you see the pods on Horizon?

After the Collectors incapacitate someone with those seekers, they put them into these pods to take them. They're like coffins. Coffins with glass lids so you can see into them. (And out, maybe, but I'd really rather not think about that.)

There were trillions of them, Kaidan. Trillions.

They're not going to stay in the colonies. They're going to take everyone from the Terminus Systems and the Attican Traverse and then they're going to go after Council Space. They're going to go after Earth. And they won't stop until they fill all of those pods.

Honestly, it wasn't surprising that it was a trap. The entire thing screamed trap from the start. The ship was deserted, as empty as Freedom's Progress. The only bodies belonged to discarded test subjects, humans and Collectors. Then the Normandy's AI, EDI (it stands for Enhanced Defense Intelligence), ran a scan and discovered that the ship was the same one that hit Horizon. Joker suggested a second scan and, guess what, it was also the one that destroyed the original Normandy. How could that be anything but a trap?

We got to the control panel no problem but as soon as we activated it the Collectors were everywhere. It was a fight but we made it out okay and with what we came for.

What did surprise me was that the Illusive Man knew it was a trap when he briefed me and didn't tell me. It's a bad sign. It means I'm getting comfortable. Complacent. So I guess in the end, it's a good thing. It's not like I wouldn't have gone, even if he had told me. And if he had, I would have no reason not to trust him. Well, no more than I had to begin with.

So this is good. Betrayal is good.

I hate this.

And I'm tired.

Kelly, as the ship psychiatrist, suggested a number of relaxation techniques. Samara invited me to meditate with her. Thane's trying to teach me hala'hye, "Splitting." (It's basically a drell version of tai chi, based on separating your body and soul without disconnecting them.) Mordin has offered me a number of pharmaceuticals to treat any and all of my symptoms, even the ones I don't know I have. They're trying to help, all of them.

But they have stuff on their plates too. Tali has been accused of treason by the Admiralty Board. Mordin's student is still in krogan hands on Tuchanka and we need to check in about Grunt while we're there. Jack wants to blow something up and since that something is an empty Cerberus building on an abandoned planet, I'm inclined to let her. The list goes on. Everyone has something that they need to get in order before we finish this.

As for me, I have to wait until after. And the hala'hye helps a little.

~ A.J. Shepard


	11. Tuchanka

Dear Kaidan,

I met up with Wrex yesterday. That means the reunion tour is now complete.

He's leading Clan Urdnot. Stirring up trouble but would you expect anything less? He formed a neutral, protected ground for females. He joined a number of clans under Urdnot but he's preserving them rather than assimilating them. He's making allies where others would make enemies. The best way to describe the whole thing is progressive, I guess.

I respected Wrex on the Normandy. As a warrior. As a biotic. Even just as a person. But it wasn't until I got here, to Tuchanka, that I realized how radical he is and how much he deserves respect for that. He cares for his people, the krogan culture as a whole. All the other krogan I've met (though, I admit, my experience is limited) have only cared for themselves, if anything at all. Wrex wants the krogan to be more than what they are. He's trying to make them all that they could be. He seems almost unique in that way.

Today we "rescued" Maelon, Mordin's student. I guess it would be accurate to say that I rescued him but it was from Mordin, so I'm not sure it counts. Mordin was under the impression that Maelon had been captured but he was wrong. He was there willingly, working on a cure for the genophage. He may have been doing the right thing but he was doing it the wrong way. We found some of his test subjects. His treatments were . . . barbaric.

It's ironic. There's a part of me that hates Mordin for what he did to the krogan, but it's the same part of me that hates Maelon for how he tried to fix it. And in the end, it doesn't really matter who was right and who was wrong and for what reason and in what way. I believe - I have to believe - that eventually someone will get it right, for the right reason, in the right way. And the more people who are alive who want that to happen and might be capable of doing it the sooner it will be.

So I didn't let Mordin kill Maelon and I didn't destroy the data that he had gathered.

The plan for tomorrow is Grunt's Rite of Passage. Apparently the rage he's been feeling recently is a normal part krogan puberty. (Kind of makes you grateful that you're human, doesn't it?) It means he's ready for the Rite. No one's told us what it actually is or what it entails. All the Clan Shaman would tell us is to be ready for anything. I guess we'll find out tomorrow. After it's completed - assuming we survive - he'll be a full adult and a member of Clan Urdnot. Hopefully it will help him focus that fury.

Another thing I learned from Wrex was how useful an angry krogan is when you need something destroyed. Krogan versus Collector homeworld will be something to see.

That was my week. How was yours?

~ A.J. Shepard

  

Dear Kaidan,

Just so you know, the Rite of Passage, at least for Clan Urdnot, involves surviving waves of attacks by Tuchanka's native animals.

It wasn't too bad until the thresher maw showed up. Taking it down has earned Grunt a number of breeding requests. (And a few for me too, but I think I'll pass.)

~ A.J. Shepard


	12. Politicking

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I made a few HUGE editing errors (bordering on ineptitude actually) and have had to do some rearranging of chapters. Garrus's chapter (previously Chapter 12) is actually Chapter 13 and this one (Politicking) is the real Chapter 12. My sincere apologies for the confusion. (Also, some edits made to Garrus's chapter. Perhaps I need a beta-reader.)

Dear Kaidan,

Today I learned that, just like all aliens are as different from each other as humans are, all governing bodies are the same.

A while back, the flotilla Admiralty Board accused Tali of treason - which is in and of itself ridiculous - and we met up with the Migrant Fleet to face the charges today.

The first thing that happens when we get there is Tali finds out the accusations against her are for sending active geth to the Migrant Fleet. Which is absolutely absurd because there are no active geth around Tali. If there was, she would overload its shields, hack it, send Chikktika in after the optics, and then shoot it with her shotgun, just for good measure. She did send parts and pieces back but nothing that could have become active after it got there.

Then, she finds out that they changed her name from “vas Neema” to “vas Normandy,” without even telling her. They never said it this plainly but as far as I can tell, they did it because it would make it easier (not to mention more politically correct) to get a guilty verdict if she was the crew member for a human, Cerberus-run ship than a quarian. An old family friend, her “aunt,” had to tell her.

Then they spring it on me that, as the Captain of the ship she serves on, I am supposed to lead her defense. Which I was happy to do but it’s like telling a student that instead of being in a class they will be teaching it and they have to do it entirely in a foreign language. And the best advice they could give me was “present the truth as best you can.” If presenting the truth was all we needed, we wouldn’t have been there to begin with.

Then, in the middle of the trial, they tell her that the active geth she is accused of sending to the fleet, became active on the lab ship her father was on and everyone on the ship is assumed dead. And they did it intentionally so that she would volunteer to attempt to take back the ship, which strike teams have failed to take back, so that she can die honorably and they can clear her name posthumously.

Then, on the lab ship, Tali not only finds her father dead but also discovers that he brought the geth pieces back on-line intentionally so that they could start a war with the geth and retake their homeworld so that he could build her a house on the homeworld. Which means 1) that the fleet would view him as a war criminal and traitor if they ever found out, 2) he turned himself into that for her, and 3) the only way to clear her name is to tell everyone.

And the best part, after all that, the best part is that none of it was about Tali at all. The entire trial was all politicking. All of the Admirals have a plan for the quarian people, appease the geth, kill the geth, study the geth, and the whole thing was just about trying to sway the vote. To get the quarian majority behind their particular plan.

No one was thinking about Tali. I know she’s finished her Pilgrimage, so she’s technically an adult, but she’s just a kid. That’s all anyone is when they lose a parent. And then to blame yourself for it? And think that you might lose your home and your people too?

None of them cared.

Well, I let them have it, believe you me. I’ve never been able to speak for myself before the Council but I assure you that Admiralty Board got a piece of my mind. And it worked out. Her history of little things like stopping Saren, saving the Citadel, unwavering service to the flotilla, and more knowledge of the geth than probably anyone else alive convinced them that maybe they should rethink the charges. So they dropped them and everything was fine.

Except, you know, Tali’s father is still dead and she still knows why.

Yep, that one was a win.

~ A.J. Shepard


	13. Garrus

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I made a few HUGE editing errors (bordering on ineptitude actually) and have had to do some rearranging of chapters. This chapter (previously Chapter 12) is actually Chapter 13 and a new chapter (Politicking) has been added as the real Chapter 12. My sincere apologies for the confusion. (Also, some edits made to this chapter. I may need to look in to getting a beta-reader.)

Dear Kaidan,

I’m worried about Garrus.

Actually, I’ve been worried about Garrus for a while but now it’s getting to the point where I’m going to need to do something about it.

I think I mentioned earlier that he had been on Omega, working as a vigilante. He was alone when I found him but before that he was running a group. Shortly before I got there, one of them betrayed him and got everyone else killed. You remember how he was about Dr. Saleon back when we were hunting Saren? Now imagine that instead of being some doctor, Saleon was someone he trusted. Now imagine that instead of general civilians, Saleon killed people he cared about. That should give you an idea of where Garrus is.

While we were on Illium, he got a lead on the guy who helped Sidonis (the traitor) disappear. Fade. Last seen on the Citadel. He wanted to go after him, use him to track down Sidonis, and kill him.

The problem is, I can’t let him do it. Not in cold blood. But he won’t talk to me about it, let alone listen to me, and I don’t know what to do for him.

I’ve been stalling, sort of. It wasn’t intentional, just how things happened. There was no reason to believe that Fade would disappear himself, having (what I assume to be) a lucrative business on the Citadel and no reason to suspect Garrus is coming for him. So saving Maelon took priorty and then, since we were on Tuchanka anyway, it made sense to take care of the issue with Grunt. Then we had to handle the mess with the Admiralty Board. In all those instances, Garrus even agreed that Fade could wait. But then Thane brought us to the Citadel with something that was urgent and, like I said with Grunt on Tuchanka, it makes sense to handle everything we need to here while we’re here.

So that’s what’s on the agenda for tomorrow.

I just have to make sure I have a plan before then. Currently, all I have is stand between him and his target and hope he doesn’t pull the trigger.

He won’t pull the trigger.

I’m just not sure he’ll forgive me afterward.

Which really just means I need to come up with a better plan.

~ A.J. Shepard


	14. Pragia

Dear Kaidan,

Being a biotic on Mindoir wasn’t easy. It wasn’t a big colony back then (population wise) and, as far as I knew, I was the only biotic there. At the time I thought it would be easier if I lived in a bigger city but now I think the size of the colony was actually protective. There wasn’t a lot of anti-biotic propaganda. My parents weren’t wealthy but they were well respected and had pull in the community.

It wasn’t worth sending a Conatix recruiter out into the Traverse to pick up one biotic from a backwater planet. I’m not even sure they knew I was there.

I only realized exactly how lucky I was when you told me about what happened at BAaT. I started showing biotic traits at nine. If they had bothered to track me down, I would have been there too. I would have been fitted with an L2 (and who knows if it would have worked out for me as well as it did for you). There was a girl at school that I used to say “tortured” me. I started rethinking my word choice after what you said.

I started re-rethinking it again yesterday evening.

I’m not saying that what happened to you wasn’t awful - it was. But what happened at the Teltin facility was . . . nightmarish stuff. It made even your description of BAaT look like a day at the park. Jack had told me some things about it before but, honestly, I didn’t believe it all. I should have. I know what Cerberus is capable of. Nothing should surprise me by this point.

They kept her in total isolation, except when they were making her fight (and kill) the other kids. They used pain to try to improve her biotics, then conditioned her to enjoy violence by giving her narcotics when she attacked. After seeing that place, it amazes me that she’s as sane as she is (which only slightly more than not at all).

And the other kids.

As far as I can tell, they experimented on them before they tried something on Jack. They didn’t care about keeping her safe but they sure as hell wanted to keep her alive. So they killed God knows how many other children to figure out just what they could do to her without killing her. They used them, then discarded them like they were nothing.

By the time Jack set off the bomb, I was about ready to do it myself.

And while I was walking through that place, where they tortured and abused and destroyed children, I couldn’t help thinking was how thankful I was that you were okay. That you managed to go through what you went through and come out the man you are.

I don’t think I’ve ever told you, Kaidan, how much I respect you for that. You could have wasted away into a sand-tripper. You could have hated every alien that looked at you. You could have turned into the thing you hated or hated yourself for the rest of your life.

But you didn’t. And you’re you. And I am so grateful.

~ A.J. Shepard


	15. The Incinerator

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, I know, this is the tiniest chapter ever. It was difficult because I wanted to write about the DLC this is associated with but then I realized in world, Ariella couldn't. I hope that I got enough into what I think she would be comfortable writing. The next few will be more substantial, I promise.

Dear Kaidan,

I’ve tried writing this letter at least three times and I’ve discarded every attempt. Which has been really inconvenient because I’ve had to burn each of them and Mordin keeps giving me strange looks when I come into the lab to put a single piece of paper in the incinerator.

So I will stick to this. I want to tell you about the last few days but I can’t. I can’t chance it. Sometimes I worry that I’m thinking too loudly - I can’t have something this dangerous on paper on this ship. Because it’s not dangerous to me.

Here is what I can say: I made up with Liara.

~ A.J. Shepard

 


	16. Geth

Dear Kaidan,

If you had told me when I enlisted that I would end up fighting geth, I would have called you crazy. If you had told me last week that I would end up fighting with a geth, I would have ordered your psych eval myself. Well, don’t worry. My meeting with Kelly is Thursday.

Yes, I am working with a geth.

We found him (it? them?) while we were retrieving an IFF from downed Reaper ship. Really, I should say he found us. He had a chance to kill me, saved my life instead and then was disabled getting us access to the Reaper’s core. I had Tali and Mordin with me because I wasn’t sure we’d be able to get in and he did it single handedly, while fighting off husks and abominations. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that geth are good at hacking but I must admit, I was impressed.

I ended up bringing it back to the Normandy.

That caused a bit of a stir. Miranda wanted to turn it over to Cerberus’ cyberweapons division for research (and a substantial reward). If he had shot at me, I would have had Tali disassemble him piece by piece destroying each of them seperately but I never would have turned him over to Cerberus. Jacob was more to that way of thinking. He wanted to space the thing to begin with. But if I wanted to destroy it, I would have left it on the Reaper ship.

I brought him to the Normandy because I was curious. He helped me because he recognized me. He called me “Shepard-Commander.” He has a piece of N7 armor attached to his chestplate. He tried to communicate with me. He didn’t act like any geth I’d ever encountered and I thought that warranted some investigation.

Here’s where you begin to see that nothing is as you thought it was.

The geth as we’ve been fighting are actually just a small percentage of the geth population that have accepted the Reapers as gods. The vast majority of the geth are not hostile toward organics. It’s like . . . imagine that first contact occurred with a colony whose entire population was members of Terra Nova. Based on that, they would believe that all humans hated aliens, when really it’s not true.

According to Legion, the other geth don’t even call them geth. They call them heretics.

Anyway, these heretics have developed a (programming) virus to rewrite the geth code and make them accept the Reapers too. Brainwashing, essentially. Whether or not I like this idea of separate geth factions, I certainly don’t want all of them united behind the Reapers. So we’re off to destroy the heretic facility.

It’s taking a little longer than usual. EDI’s trying to get the IFF integrated into the Normandy’s systems.

As soon as that’s worked out, we’ll be heading through the Omega 4 Relay.

I feel, I don’t know, okay about the whole thing. Ready, I guess. I’ve spent the last year getting a crew and getting them ready and . . . there’s nothing more to do. We have taken care of everything - everything we can - and now all we have to do is see it through. Just this heretic station and the Collector homeworld and then I’m coming home.

~ A.J. Shepard


	17. Suicide

Dear Kaidan,

This may be my last letter. The Collectors took my crew, everyone except Joker and my ground team, and I’m going after them. We are assaulting the Collector homeworld. There’s a good chance it will be one-way trip. And just in case, there are some things I wanted to tell you. Things I want you to know.

I only worked with Cerberus for our colonies. I’ve said it until I’m blue in the face but I need to say it again. Because if this does end badly for me, working for Cerberus is the only thing I’ll be remembered for. And I need you to think better of me.

We officially met during my formal report to the Normandy but the first time I saw you was the night before at that bar. Mugsy’s, I think? Yvonne, friend of mine from Mindoir, had flown in to see me off. We were at a table when you came in with Stearns and Emerson. I noticed you immediately and Yvonne noticed that I noticed. She spent a good half hour trying to convince me to buy you a drink and probably would have managed if it hadn’t been for Emerson. He recognized me from footage of the Akuze and came up to ask if we wanted to join you. Somewhere along the line he mentioned that the three of you were assigned to the Normandy.

I had been in the Alliance long enough to know the regs against fraternization. I also knew that I was at a table with you and Yvonne, she would make it impossible for me to follow them. So I thanked him for inviting me, said I wanted to catch up with an old friend before shipping out, and asked for a rain-check

Yvonne said what she said every time she failed to get me to buy a guy a drink: “You know, he could have been your soulmate.”

She said it so much, I had long since stopped wondering if she was right.

I never meant to fall for you. There were people on every ship, every base, who were interesting, talented, attractive. People I might have dated if things had been different. I planned for you to be one of them. I don’t know what made me change my mind, or when, but I remember after you told me about Rahna, you asked if I got so personal with everyone. I told you no. When I said it out loud, I realized it was true. You weren’t one of those other men. And I had no idea what to do about it or how to make it work but I knew I wanted to try.

I still do.

My middle name is Jean. I’ve never told anyone that. It’s not a secret, plenty of people know, but they heard it from someone else. You’re the only person I’ve told.

I hate bananas, specifically ripe bananas. The taste isn't bad. It's purely a texture thing. They get all mushy and slimey and make me gag. But banana bread? I love banana bread. Especially with walnuts and chocolate chips.

I sleep with a blanket, even in the summer.

I love walking barefoot.

I’ve kept a picture of you this whole time. It’s the only thing Cerberus did for me that I am truly and unconditionally grateful for. You were always with me, on my mind. I hope these letters help you believe that. I don’t know where you’ll be when I get back or what’s going to happen with us. But I need to believe that we will find ourselves together again.

And maybe . . . maybe we can go from there.

~ Ariella Jean Shepard


	18. Contingency Plan (Epilogue)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The end.
> 
> Thank you everyone for your kudos, comments, and most of all for reading!

Yvonne,

Sorry it’s been a while. I’ve been . . . busy. It would take too long to explain everything but when I get it all sorted out I’ll make sure to get in touch.

I need you to do me a favor. I need to get this package to one of my old crewmates, Staff Commander Kaidan Alenko, by the end of the month. I’m hoping I can deliver it myself but I have this trip planned and, depending on how things go, I may swing by home on the way back. I haven’t been since they started the fair up again. I was thinking about going.

If I do, I don’t think I’ll be back in time to get this to Alenko. Would you send it for me in that case? Please. If I end up coming straight back, I can just pick it up later and I’ll deliver it myself. That’ll give us some time to catch up too.

~ Ari


End file.
